Brought to you by the letter ‘A’ and the word ‘lcoholism’

Intro

Have you ever had one of those dreams that you know is a dream but you just can’t wake up from it? I have, but it wasn’t a dream, it was reality. In the circle of people who are still, legally, obligated to talk to me I have become the arbiter of all things “Dude.” Did I bring this on myself? Yes. Can I still hate you all for making this happen? Also, yes. Recently, I was informed that Dude Products (as featured on Shark Tank, sadly not Shark Week) has a new kind of wipe. At great length, I was dragged out, from the foetid grave that normally contains me, to give them a test. Read on to find out how much they enhanced my face, my bearing, and my DUDENESS! *air guitar*

Packaging

Some poor, underpaid, under appreciated, Amazon driver put this by my door. I could never apologise to them enough for having to do this, but I was at work, so it never came up.

This package is white and not the normal black with terrible fonts. Even the “Face + Body” copy does not look like they hired the favourite nephew of the founder to design it. I guess those VC dollars have finally started flowing into a design department.

Now they are telling you not to flush their wipes, did they read my previous reviews? Or is it just for face stuff?

Usage

The wipe retrieval system remains pretty decent. It is especially good at allowing you to remove one wipe at a time when you have big, dumb, fingers, as I do. Initially, I did not notice, but the wipes are not square, ever so slightly. The wipes are two tenths of an inch shorter in one direction than the other, as demonstrated by the protrusion of the pad of my middle finger in the photo below.

I rubbed one of these all over my face. It felt fine. I also decided to do the “Silence of the Lambs” bit from “The Cable Guy” with one of them.

After some time rubbing one on my face, I felt (fairly) cleansed. Not in the soulful or legal way I would have preferred, but cleansed none the less. A few minutes after using one, my face felt softer and more smooth. After that, I decided to lay one on my face for a while like I was eating an Ortolon bunting. Initially, I felt like God couldn’t see me. It then became clear that was just because the phenoxyethanol and octyldodecanol (no, I won’t be providing a pronunciation guide, they’re just alcohols) were mildly burning my face from prolonged contact, in the ways long term contact with topical alcohols can do. I rubbed one on my body and it was, basically, the same. It was at this point I realised that there was no ingestion warning on the-

Taste and Mouthfeel

Smooth, slightly tingly, and gross. (I washed it off my tongue with vodka.)

Conclusion

I really wanted to hate these. I hate the company that makes them, I hate their terrible brand identity of “DUDES NEED OUR HELP TO NOT BE GROSS!” and I hate the idea of selling personal hygiene products through misogyny. The truth is, they’re fine at what they’re designed for…

Oh wait, no, no they are not. I forgot these fucking things claim to be energising. Literally nothing about this energised me, I have no idea how it would. If I had wiped down my face with it and I suddenly felt like I had a shot with “Ray of Light” Madonna or I was gonna get really into RKO’ing people out of nowhere I could, possibly, forgive their terrible marketing. They don’t, they’re just fancy wet-naps. I guess I’m just not the bro they want.

7/10

PS: back in the winter I found a charity that wanted all the Dude Wipes, no questions asked. I hope they are doing some good out there.