It was with a sense of the overwhelming weight of history that I recently purchased a thirty-count package of individually wrapped Dude Wipes (a Shark Tank product, tagline “The Future is Now”). Following a short conversation about the product I decided that I — a CIS-het, late-30s American male — should act as the sacrificial dude to test out a product that was designed for people like me. Here are the results of that momentous realisation.

Purchasing, Arrival, Packaging

The package of 30 wipes cost a little under $9 on Amazon, it had next day delivery. Finding out that the non-individually wrapped 48 count was $3 at Target was slightly disappointing but I feel like the RUGGED MANLY nature of the product is belied by the idea of walking around with a giant pack of them while you’re out doing dude things, like drinking and chopping wood.

The Amazon person left it in the hallway and it didn’t get stolen, I guess my neighbors couldn’t handle the raw dude power emanating from its confines. The packaging itself is not particularly inspiring, pretty sparse, dumb font, and the worst package copy I have ever read in my life.

The actual wipes themselves are packed in decent little pouches. They seem pretty durable, I carried one around in my pocket with my wallet, change, and KNIFE for the entire day and it’s no worse for wear.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the box has the same directions on it.

It’s a very crinkly package, I could hear it sometimes when I was walking. It also kind of looks like a condom package, YOU KNOW FOR DUDES! DUDES WHO FUCK!

Tasting Notes and Mouth Feel

Since this is a scientific review (I am a scientist, it says so on this lab coat) I decided that I needed to put it through a full range of tests (three, three tests). Opening the package you are greeted with the one feature that I think it pretty good about these things: they’re bigger than normal wet wipes. I don’t know if that’s a selling point for NON-DUDES but for me, it was kinda neat. After Tearing and Unfolding I then wafted it towards my nose and could detect almost nothing. Perhaps a slight smell of glycerin? Following that I touched it to my tounge and detected, nothing. It has no flavour at all. It felt like touching moist fabric (people who have to wear their masks for extended periods of time probably know what I mean here). Since I didn’t need to use it for its intended purpose at the time I threw it away, that cost me thirty cents.

Usage and Disposal

So, now the part you’re probably very excited to hear about: poop. I wiped my butt with it. It did the thing it’s supposed to do. That’s really all I can say, I don’t think it was any better or different than any other wet wipe that I have used andI didn’t feel more masculine. It did not increase my dudeness and for that I feel betrayed.

I know they say flushable, don’t flush them it’s bad for sewer systems, just throw them in the trash. Google photos of people scraping clogged sewer grating with rakes if you don’t believe me.

Final Verdict

Stupid marketing, bad design choices, overpriced, misogynistic, did not make me better at pool or cliff diving or other dudely pursuits.

3/10